Recovery was not linear

 Hi . Im back , after so long of not updating anything . I was just discharged from psych ward Hosp Kajang 5 days ago . To be honest , Psych wards aren't as scary as I thought ( except for some nurses yang suka terpekik pepagi sebab nak kejut semua orang haha) 

How I ended up in the psych ward ? 

 9/12/23 - The Attempt

I attempted suicide in the car , at Rnr Seremban . Sounds dumb, isn't it . But I cant control myself anymore . But the funny part was , I still had the courage to drove to Hosp Serdang . A 20-min of hell driving . They was shocked but not their first time attended my case lol . 

At the emergency , they settled my case as usual , UNTIL a psychiatrist dr came . She asked if I wanted to be admitted to the psych ward or not . At first I was reluctant , because I dont want anyone to know what has happened to me . So ended up I was warded in Hosp Serdang first . Fyi , to be warded and discharged from the psych ward , you will need a close family or friend or relative whatsoever. 

The next day , there was one ward nurse lodged a police report on me because of my suicide attempt . Dem . They involved the policee?! I was shocked . She asked for my parents' number but I refused , as usual haha . So they put my emergency number that was in their system . Little did they know that was my backup number . 

11/12/23 - the culprit

I decided to slash my own hand in the ward toilet because I cant handle it anymore . Surrounded by other medical patients that knew about my suicide attempt . I heard "Orang sebelah ni kena pindah kajang sebab suicide" Weh , I heard everything . It hurts . So bad to the point I just want to kill them instantly.

So ended up, I had to open up to my psychiatrist about me slashing my hand in the ward and the thought of me wanting to end my life. So she was concerned about my behaviour and decided to send me to kajang without my full consent . 

At that night , I was sent to kajang via ambulance . It was a long journey (Serdang-Kajang je pun haha) . When I arrived at Psych Ward , all the nurses greeted me well . That's a good impression . After changing my clothes , settling documents and keeping all my belongings , I was placed in an isolation room . Under strict SCC . That room was soo isolated to the point if I fart , no one heard or smelt, I guess . HAHAHHAHAHAH jk . 

12/12/23 - officially a psych ward patient 

I've met this one lady named Mathavi (we called her mathu btw) . She was soooo sweet and talkative . We will talk and play like there was no tomorrow . I felt like having a true friend and a sister . Ive also met Balqis , a bipolar with serious manic episode , Kong Pui Ching who had schizophrenia, Maryam who has suicide intention and Cik Hasimah , who had depression and serious insomnia . They were so friendly and sometimes we made jokes about our own condition . Dem . Core memories . Plucking Pui Ching's grey hair , being a person to answer every question that Balqis asked , and also an emotional support for Cik Hasimah and Mathu . 

All of the doctors and nurses were very kind to calm me down almost every night( although pernah kena ugut kena ikat hahahah) due to me not sleeping well and having a meltdown . I owe them a lot tho . I felt that there were people who do cared for me. Dem teringat time aku meltdown dekat HPUPM . Rasanya aku kena mintak maaf dekat Ms Yasmin dengan Dr Syazwin for my meltdown haritu . Memang sebab restless gila masa tu huhu.

18/8/23 - Discharged from the psych ward 

Oh I forgot to tell that my parents finally found me . So they wanted me to be discharged as soon as possible (maybe sebab malu anak dekat wad psikiatri lol)

So on this day , was my last day in Psych ward . I was so sad for leaving all my psych ward friends . I can see Cik Hasimah refrain herself from crying because I always comforted her when she's not in a good mood or post ECT (electroconvulsion therapy) . I sprayed my perfume to Balqis and Cik Hasimah although it 's just a temporary memory for them . I would like to thank Dr Pavithra , Dr Chong , Dr Aaron , all of the specialists and also for the healthcare workers in psychiatry department . Without them , I may ended up risking my life once again in a shorter time frame.

To be honest , I would say that I was a bit well a month ago and suddenly it went downhill again . I went into the same dark place again. Or maybe even darker and all the emotions were tooo intense for me . Drs told me I was too harsh on myself on competing in terms of financial stability and career . And maybe I've just realized that . But , jobless at this age was like a failure for me . I was suppose to have a job at least . 

 

 On those really difficult days when it seems impossible to go on and you feel like giving up, just remind yourself that you’ve been there before and you’ve survived every time, so you can survive this time, too.